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What to do if you have a mismatched sex drive with your partner

FARGO, N.D. (Valley News Live) – If you struggle with finding time between the sheets with your partner, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s more common than you think. A study by Psychology Today says 70 percent of couples have different levels of sex drive.

So what do you do if you’re in the mood, and your partner isn’t? Local experts explain how to get back in the sack.

Local Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Stacey Benson meets with couples across the valley and offers guidance on their love life even couples with mismatched sex drives.

“Because even though you’re bed partners, we recognize that you might have a different sleep number. People have different sex numbers as well. And I think that there is a whole lot of people out there that are 8’s, that are currently married to 3’s.”

So what does that mean? Like an adjustable bed, Dr. Benson says on a scale from 1 to 10, if you ask somebody how important is sex in your relationship, you’re going to get different answers. But because each person has a different sex drive, as it turns out, Benson says a majority of couples have mismatched libidos.

“In one study I read, up to 70% of couples are in a partnered relationship with somebody whose sex drive is different from what their sex drive is.”

But here’s the good news: Benson says a vast majority of couples who have mismatched libidos are able to work it out.

“Engage in non-sexual touching. Sit next to each other and watch TV, grow that intimate relationship, and you might very well find that your desire to grow that sexual intimate relationship will increase.”

One critical tip: Don’t guilt trip.

“To make your partner feel like it’s their fault and that they should be doing things that they don’t want to do. That’s not going to get you the results that you want.”

Before you dive in, make sure it’s not something more serious.

“Figuring out whether or not it’s caused by a medical problem, is one of the first things you should do because if it is, nothing else that you’re going to do is going to be able to impact that.”

Right now, Lillelstol Research is doing a clinical trial for post-menopausal women.
They want to find out if there’s a medical solution for low sex drive in women. Director of Operations, Jamie Brown explains what they’re doing to help women.

“For couples who are interested in exploring more options, there are things that can be done. Female sexual desire disorders are very common actually. Up to 40 percent of women have complaints about their sex life in some manner.”

Their study uses an FDA approved treatment that could be used for low sex drive for women in their 40s and beyond.

“The medication is actually more of a topical treatment that patients would use daily,” Brown says.

If all else fails, Dr. Benson says it’s more than okay to plan for sex with your significant other. “The things we don’t take time to schedule, are the things that just don’t happen.”

It is important to note that the advice given from Dr. Benson is for couples who are in a healthy, equal committed relationship. If you are in an abusive situation, these guidelines do not apply.